We need one another. Existence otherwise is unbearable.
The trauma that my mother and father both experienced growing up created a disconnection with their parents. So naturally this impacted the cast of Emotional Characters that appeared on their stage.
On my mother’s stage Love, Happy, Jealousy, Shame, Fear, Worry, Sad, Alone and Anger all vied, and argued for the spotlight. They would jockey for position based on what was going on around them. If Love felt safe, she would take center stage. If Love felt unsafe or insecure, Worry, Fear, Shame were lying in wait. But because of the unresolved trauma that occurred in her life Jealousy and Shame, often unwittingly hogged the stage.
As I mentioned in my post yesterday, intuitively or on some level I knew I needed to connect with others and found two places where I felt like I could belong, church and at high school. But because my mom often felt Alone growing up, her introverted personality was not comfortable seeking connections which impaired her ability to function – certainly not because she wanted it that way but because she didn’t have the connection with her parents or other role models to operate otherwise.
Growing up I never quite understood Jealousy on my mother’s stage. But despite her best attempts to wrestle and control it, Jealousy seemed to win out far too often. Of course, I can’t be for certain, but I believe that Shame and Jealousy were operating in tandem and she didn’t have the requisite skills to function differently.
Just as I experienced a breakdown in my defenses after turning 40, my mom did as well. Shame, Jealousy and Anger, slowly chipped away at my mother’s defenses for 40 years. Happy was no longer able to fend them off. When my mother and father divorced, Shame, Hurt and Sorrow made sure it was unbearable for her as having her own family eased the pain she experienced when she was young. She was faced with standing in the shadows of Shame again. The connection she felt as a family unit had been destroyed. Without that connection, albeit a difficult one at times, my mom was lost and her existence became unbearable. She attempted suicide.
As you might imagine, I was devasted to find her. Since feelings are contagious, Shame paralyzed me, Hurt erupted and Sorrow trailed behind.
But fortunately, when feelings are experienced and expressed they are temporary. We can learn how to control and manage them, instead of them controlling us. Emotions are not to be Feared, they are to be embraced, experienced and expressed for it is then and only then can our life be a truly fulfilling one. If you are struggling with your own feelings, please reach out to a counselor in your area.
This post is dedicated to my mother, Marcia Bourne, who passed away in January, 2016 but rest assured, she is very much alive in my life – as I feel her guiding me every step along the way.
Below are links that you may find helpful:
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